My Brain is a Computer

My brain is different than most people's brains.

It probably looks like the same double-fist sized lump of energized chemical-filled meat that most humans have. However, there are a few differences between my brain and other people's brains. Some of these differences I consciously induced, while others just kinda happened. I'm not trying to brag, or say that I am better than anyone else, but stating some things that I have observed.

For example, it feels like a lot of the time, my brain is running on a dual processor while other people are running on a single processor. This allows me, for instance, to answer a question in class a split second before everyone else because my brain processes the question and the answer simultaneously, while the rest of the class processes the question and answer sequentially. I think it leads to my wit and quick responses in conversations I am engaged in or have prepared for, and makes me seem a lot smarter.

When not otherwise engaged, running a dual processor brain allows for constant meta-commentary. Processor one runs normal, everyday existence and thought, while processor two runs narration and asks questions. I consciously tried to teach my brain to be Socratic -  ask and answer questions, and puzzle things out* -  which also makes me seem smart. It creates the problem that processor two is constantly throwing ERRs, mostly in the form of "WHY?" That causes processor one, running regular function,  to shut down while it tries to escape the loop that "I don't know" creates.*

The other main problem is that processor two is easily bored. It really likes solving problems and chewing on issues, and when there's nothing to chew on, it chews on me. It finds all the things I'm doing "wrong" and calls them out, along with all the things I "should" be doing or thinking about. At the same time, processor one is trying to reason with it and convince it to step back, relax, just do the things I need to do, while reminding it that I am okay, alive, and breathing.  Therapy has helped redirect these self-sustaining, energy-sucking loops, but not as much as I would have hoped.   

These dual processors, along with a massive and active RAM, allow me to seem smart.

The flip side of seeming smart is clinically diagnosed moderate-to-high anxiety and mild-to-moderate depression.* The only thing that I've found to shut my brain up when it's not in processor power-intensive use is other people's voices, usually telling stories, most often in the form of audiobooks, podcasts, and TV shows. There's a kind of mid-baritone range voice that works extremely well (e.g. CGP Grey, Roman Mars, Cecil Baldwin, James Marsters). I've tried medication - rather than mitigating processor two (the meta-processor), it either slightly slows it down, robbing me of my edge, or slows down processor one (the one that gets things done and talks me off the cliff), when it has any effect at all. My doctors say it helps, so I've reluctantly kept at it.

I'm reluctant to let go because, without my brain, I don't know who I am. I like the weird quirks it has when its not being self destructive. My brain is hungry, curious, sticky, observant, and vastly more complicated than it used to be, which are not all bad things. When the bugs don't crash the system, they're fantastic features that let me solve problems creatively and quickly. 

I still have to find the right user's manual to make it all run nicely together. I doubt I ever will.

How I'm expected to network and interface with other systems when I haven't figured out how to operate my own, I'll never know.



*This was largely inspired by Sherlock Holmes and a Dan Brown book where one of the characters describes a "Buddhist" precept that everyone already knows everything, they just need to ask the right questions. I'm not sure if that's real or not, but it's an interesting idea that's stuck with me way longer than it had any right to.

*Therapy has helped some with breaking these loops.

*Although, if you really want to get into it, I check off a lot of boxes for ADD, OCD, general  paranoia, bipolar disorder, and even (if you stretch the checklists in the DSM5 a little) schizophrenia, psychopathy, and autism. I think I'll stick with my current diagnosis as it's one of a few you can even attempt to do anything about. Psychiatry is still really murky, but we do the best with what we got.

Random Thoughts...

On my current status: I just finished up my internship with Imagineering and have gone strait back to school - I'm now at Northern Arizona  University.

On finishing up at Imagineering: I left roughly six months short of the opening of the project, which is kind of a bummer. People really really like me there - I'm seen as a hard worker who is smart and observant, occasionally acerbic and witty. I was part of a system there, and I think they are going to miss me. While I might not have been 100% "necessary", I  did a lot of cleaning up around the edges and catching little things falling through cracks. I will miss my coworkers, and they will remember me, so... mission accomplished, I guess.

On Flagstaff: The second day I was in Flagstaff, it snowed. People always comment on the weather, and while, yes, mountainous highland is definitely different than southern desert in Tucson, the culture is so much different. The one word that I could use to describe Flagstaff: CRUNCHY. You can pick your definition and it still applies - plenty of hippies of various shades, literal snowpack on the ground, backpacker treehuggers, plenty of granola - it's all here.

On not being in Tucson: One thing I noticed in Flagstaff as opposed to Tucson (other than the lack of dust, the sandstone aesthetic, actual trees, etc.) is that there are way fewer beautiful people here. The University of Arizona prides itself and indirectly markets itself on its hot dudes and coeds - everyone (except for the mandatory diversity "student") has perfect  curls, defined muscles, and a "natural" tan. In reality, there are also an abundance of people who look really good. Tucson is a really self-conscious town that is obsessed with trying to prove that its not just a place with a good looking basketball team - everywhere else the cameras see is overly pretty as well. It's so nice to be in a place where everyone's hair is messed up and lazy hoodies are the norm.

On Construction Management: I lucked into a great program. It's really hands on, and is more concerned with the bigger picture of how things work together than the nitty gritty of whether a one-inch section of a steel beam will fail. (I know it's all important, I just can't bring myself to care). Sustainability and Lean are huge focuses, which is lucky because I'm interested in that too. I'm just surprised at how much I already know. Everyone in the program seems really close knit (which is fine, I'm fine, it's all fine). There's a lot of challenge and a lot of learning opportunity to look forward to.

On snow: As long as it's not precipitating, snow is fun. Every step feels like crunching through some particularly resistant fall leaves. Creating a snowball feels like sculpting beauty from chaos (or at least an ugly sphere from some white stuff). It's cold, but it's not unbearable, and I can't complain too much yet.

Reverie on Cargo Pants

I bought a pair of (men's) cargo pants for an abandoned Halloween costume. I have worn them in public once (despite the possible fashion faux pas), and they have made me realize how non-functional female clothing is.

Most importantly, POCKETS! The primary pair of pockets (on the front near the belt) fits almost my entire forearms. Then, cavernous back pockets, and massive pouches by my thighs that could probably hold an entire Thanksgiving meal's worth of snacks with room for an iPad and more to spare. My normal jeans, which I chose because they have actual pockets that could fit stuff, still barely fit my reasonably sized phone and earbuds, and even then there's still spillage. As a female, it's a luxury not to have to dig in a purse or try to budget how much I can carry when going out - just bringing a phone and a wallet can be a stretch on my jeans.

Second, these pants are not made to be skin tight. My bootcut jeans still hug my butt, hips, and thighs and they're baggy compared to the skinny jeans I abhor. While I know these cargo pants are not made with the female form in mind, even the too-small pair I tried on had plenty of room for my legs to breathe. I now know why guys  find shopping so much easier - they only have to worry about two explicit measurements, while girls have to guess at a million different little variations in size, style, length, and fit - a size 10 tells you almost nothing. I now know that a 34-32 with a belt is close enough, if I ever want to try this experiment again.

Also, the fabric, an olive canvas, hides dirt, doesn't wrinkle, and is pretty comfortable. It's a casual alternative to my usual blue jeans, which have a bad tendency to get beat up and torn.

Despite the social stigma and the awkward bulge of fabric at the crotch when I sit down, I really like these pants. I'm not going to wear them to work, but they seem to work great as casual or concert wear. I don't think I'm going to go out of my way to get more, but I really like the pair I got and will probably keep wearing them.

I suppose the gender-swapped analogue is guys going for girl's skinny jeans, which I've heard that people do with mixed results.

Overall, though, I think the guys got the better end of the deal.

 

Self-Help, part 2

There seem to be two basic approaches that most self-help books take. They propose either:

You relinquish control and become one with the universe, going with the flow and going wherever life takes you (this is the approach most religious-ish and/or meditation-focused books suggest)

OR

You act as though you own everything that impacts your life, regardless of whether or not it is actually your fault (this seems to be the approach of the books with "f*ck" in the title or the ones that claim to be "different").

You either accept that nothing is under your control or that everything is - there seems to be little acknowledgement of any middle ground. Sometimes it feels like you're in control of a lot, but sometimes, sh*t just happens. *

So what's the better approach? Do you channel Oprah and friends, and trust that the universe wants what is best for you and that what happens happens and everything will come out fine? Or do you go Mark Manson and take ownership of everything, but choose where and when you actively dole out your f*cks so that the weight of the universe does not overwhelm you? 

On one hand, there are a lot of studies that show that meditation, accepting and letting go, are good - really good - for people's mental and physical well being. On the other, there are also studies that allowing people a feeling of control can increase pain tolerance and empower people to actually change things for the better.

I guess the different approaches have to work for different types of people. Otherwise, we'd all be enslaved to Oprah's book club.

Personally, I still haven't figured out where I can draw the line between being in control of myself and not being in control of myself. For example, I would hope that I have control over my own brain, but at the same time, I'm taking medication to try to wrangle rogue elements into submission. I don't really feel like I have control over my own brain chemistry. 

Figuring out the line between things I can control and things I can't is another check box on the way to "being an adult", I suppose, but if both Oprah and Augusten Burroughs haven't figured it out yet either, being either all or nothing, I suppose I shouldn't be too had on myself about it.



*I suppose the main books I'm thinking of are "The Secret" and the "Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**ck"- Google them, I'm feeling lazy - as examples of these extremes.
**We're a family friendly blog here. Get the f!ck out, $&^$%.

How to Write a Self Help Book in Nine Easy Steps

Have you ever wanted to write an award winning self help book? Here's how!

1. Come up with a catchy title. Be sure to include at least one of the following words or phrases on the cover: happiness, magic, "fix your life", "change your life", passion, invigorate, communication, determination.  Use bright colors and weirdly incongruous imagery - gotta catch the eye of those ever-dwindling bookshop patrons!
2. Claim that this book is "not like all the others" for one of the following reasons  - it's a "revolutionary new technique",  it's "scientifically based",  it contains precepts of Buddhism but is totally not religious, it's a self-conscious parody, "nobody else has done this" or that it will "redefine how you see the world". 
3. Compliment your gullible reader on being wise enough and smart enough to buy this book - and make you some sweet sweet royalty money.
4. Here's the important part - the actual advice. If you've got a certain technique or practice that you've vaguely hear helps people, tell stories of how people implement it and how it totally changed their life, while remaining vague and indistinct about how to actually use said practice or technique in your reader's own life. Feel free to bullsh*t as much as you want here - you can claim that "names were changed to protect privacy" and make up whatever you want - nobody can actually check you on any of it. Use Unnecessary Capitalization to emphasize things in order to make it look like you actually have a System. 
5. If you don't have any actual ideas, all the best self help concepts were in "How to Win Friends and Influence People" first. Just rename them with more Unnecessary Capitalization, and you've got yourself a Bestseller.
6. This is important - while giving your advice, reference your website, blog, podcast, or your own self-published papers - multiple times. It will seem like you know more than you actually do and will drive clicks to give you that sweet sweet ad revenue - gotta get it where you can find it, right?
7. Optionally, include summary bullet points at the end of each chapter. If you have any actual points, these can summarize them in an easily readable fashion and essentially make the rest of the chapter moot. 
8. Conclude with a touching story of how you personally implemented your System/Technique/Organizational Method/Whatever You Called It. Make sure it's either disturbingly unnecessarily personal or so full of dropped names it  makes an Oscars after-party newscast look tame. If you did drugs, had a family member get sick, or got to talk to Oprah or the president, this is the time to wring it for all that it's worth. It will give you some credibility and make you sympathetic, making people more likely to check out your other stuff and make you more money.
9. Your last sentence should be happy, pithy, and memorable, while meaning absolutely nothing at all and leaving your reader feeling strangely motivated, yet directionless. Let's be honest - if you actually fixed people, you would destroy the market for your sequel. 

*No, I'm totally not vindictive. I've just read a lot of these type of books looking for anything of substance and coming up mostly blank. So no - totally not vindictive.
 If you're actively looking for self-help that makes you feel better, I personally recommend the Zen of Zombie, the Supervillain Handbook, or How to Survive a Horror Movie, all of which make me laugh out loud and feel good for a little bit, and all of which contain some actual useful advice, depending on your situation. 
Anything that claims to be serious is selling something.*

Top Ten Things that make Imagineering Different

*Please note that all opinions expressed are mine and mine only. I do not represent Disney, Walt Disney Imagineering, or any other entity other than myself in any capacity, official or otherwise.*

Since the majority of my views other than the Russian/German bots and my father (Hi Dad!) are still coming from a Disney intern blog aggregator, some of you might be interested in what I think about working for the Mouse. (Also, I like the sound of my own keyboard.)

Because the Internet loves top ten lists, here are the top ten things that make working for Walt Disney Imagineering different, in no particular order:

1. There is a lot of money involved.  Not as much as, say, an oil refinery, but there are copious amounts of zeroes tacked on to the end of many numbers in unexpected places.
2. People genuinely care about the source material. I know people might think that a lot of the new stuff going into the parks is just money grabs, but the people working on it and building it genuinely care. The people I work with on Star Wars Galaxy's Edge still are hugely passionate and excited about the movies and extended universe(s), and take great care and pride in bringing in their favorite little bits. 
3.  Everything has a code name. It was a bit of a shock when coming in - WDI is worse than the military for inscrutable code names and acronyms. For example, Pandora at Animal Kingdom was known as Project Morpho before it was completed. This is done in theory to prevent spoilers and allow the company to file building permits and the like without screaming WE ARE BUILDING AVATAR!!! but really, sometimes the code names just sound cooler. But seriously, secrecy is taken very seriously.
4. Everyone is really smart at something. There is an intimidating amount of brainpower and talent at WDI. Everyone seems really quick on their feet and excited to learn new things, which leads to a really dynamic work environment. Everyone seems to have at least one thing that they are scary good at, like programming or baking or drawing or storytelling or Excel or something completely off the wall.
5. People play along. The company threw a party and invited the Black Panther and the Dora Milaje to come and take pictures (as one does). As His Highness was leaving the photo area to take a break, almost everyone he passed unironically gave the crossed-arm Wakandan salute. People are genuinely dedicated to protecting the magic and mystique that surrounds the Disney stories almost to a fault, and will go along with almost anything.
6. The dress code is loose. No need for casual Fridays, no need to shave - the dress code at Imagineering is a lot more lenient than in any guest-facing role - or in any other corporate environment I've been in. My boss has a magnificent (sort-of) beard, the guy down the hall has a mohawk he occasionally dyes electric blue, and I can come into work wearing jeans, t-shirt, and Vans every day. It's glorious.
7. The big names get their hands dirty. As noted in a previous post, the Bobs (Weis + Chapek + Iger), Joe Rohde, and other big names are often on campus or on site. I actually work with awesome people like Robin Reardon, Scott Trowbridge, and Jon Georges, and can assure you that not only are their faces pretty, but they work extremely hard and are great at what they do.
8. There is a lot of focus on personal and cross-disciplinary development. Full time Imagineers get the legendary "Self Directed Development Allowance", an allowance to be spent on personal professional development. Outside of that, speakers (sometimes with big names) regularly get invited to give talks on what they do and how they do it. I've seen talks on everything from biomimicry to happiness to concrete forming (more interesting than it sounds), and I didn't have to look very far.
9. Tradition is important. No one is allowed to forget Walt Disney or Mickey Mouse. Some conference rooms and hallways are named after legendary Imagineers. Part of onboarding is a (sanitized) history lesson on the Disney company, the Disney Parks, and Imagineering.
10. Story is King.  Most importantly, everything that happens at Imagineering is in service of a story. Little details are added to add character. Cuts and adds are made with consideration to an overall storyline. Every crack in the rock, every queue line, every divot in the pavement, every piece of writing, every safety feature, every piece of merchandise is made with a story in mind. It might not always be obvious, but the scavenger hunt aspect makes it fun to create and explore. There is a story basis for almost every decision that gets made  - and that's what makes Disney different.

That's just a few random thoughts and observations from my time interning there. If you want to know anything more (other than project specifics lol) please leave a comment. Even I occasionally need the ego boost. 

As always, have a magical day.

My Most Rational Irrational Fear

Since second grade, I have seen the world through two panes of glass. It started when I had a little trouble seeing the board in class, which led to my first pair of massive-for-my-face tortoiseshell spectacles, which I proudly showed off to everyone I knew and would not take off, even for recess. 

Every year or so since then, the lenses have gotten thicker, the squinting has gotten worse, and the percentage of people I can beat in a "hey-let-me-try-on-your-glasses" contest has increased (though thankfully the progression has become more logarithmic than exponential in the past few years).

I have an irrational fear of going blind - and it isn't completely unfounded.

I am pretty severely myopic, with an astigmatism in my right eye (in English, very near-sighted with a weird shape in the back of my eye). I've also read way to much about macular degeneration causing vision loss in those with severe myopia (disconnect between the retina/image capturing part and the optic nerve), so I'd say my fear is not unfounded.

When I look at myself in the mirror unaided, my face looks like Edward Munch's Scream or Doctor Who's Silence - pits for eyes, not much of a nose, splotchy skin, a hole for a mouth. The rest of everything looks like a Mark Rothko painting - defined colors and shapes that definitely mean something, but the edges are undefined.

That I can't see well without my glasses has led to some odd behavior on my part. I have a habit of closing my eyes or leaving the light off to try to navigate a room I know without seeing it, just in case. I'm not bad at it, either. To my mother's chagrin, I am really bad at parting my hair, because unless I am right up against the mirror, I literally cannot see it clearly. Similarly, makeup - if my focal length is about 8-12 inches on a bad day, and my hand takes up three of those, there's no way I can actually see what I am doing in a mirror while holding another 2-6 inches worth of make-up applicators. Beyond just fidgeting, I touch or fiddle with a lot of stuff unconsciously just to get a sense of the textures. I am hyper-reactive to loud sounds, and sometimes paranoid about people sneaking up to me because my peripheral vision is uncorrected. My ears are just about as important to me at sensing my environment as my eyes are. I have worn my massive prescription sunglasses indoors on more than one occasion just because I would rather look like a huge jerk than not be able to see.

Beyond that, I tend to be hypersensitive with anything coming near my eyes, from eye drops to the glaucoma machine at the eye doctor's to raindrops. When I play soccer, I unconsciously make liberal use of the handball exception for protecting one's face. I'm not great around bright lights or fireworks.  I'm kinda terrified of contacts. And again, I suck at makeup.

For what it's worth, I can actually function surprisingly well for someone with really bad eyesight. I can get around, avoid most obstacles, and perform tasks without glasses (although they all tell me not to hold the phone that close to my face because I'll ruin my eyes - too late).

At the end of the day, despite the minor paranoia, do I really think I'm going to go blind?

Not in the near future, but-

There seems to be a trend toward getting worse, so who knows? Also, apparently, the powers that be have cured blindness in mice, so maybe by the time I need it, that procedure will make my fears completely moot. Also, Pokemon taught me how to read braille.

I just hope I'll be able to see it coming, but for now, I think I'll be fine.