My Brain is a Computer

My brain is different than most people's brains.

It probably looks like the same double-fist sized lump of energized chemical-filled meat that most humans have. However, there are a few differences between my brain and other people's brains. Some of these differences I consciously induced, while others just kinda happened. I'm not trying to brag, or say that I am better than anyone else, but stating some things that I have observed.

For example, it feels like a lot of the time, my brain is running on a dual processor while other people are running on a single processor. This allows me, for instance, to answer a question in class a split second before everyone else because my brain processes the question and the answer simultaneously, while the rest of the class processes the question and answer sequentially. I think it leads to my wit and quick responses in conversations I am engaged in or have prepared for, and makes me seem a lot smarter.

When not otherwise engaged, running a dual processor brain allows for constant meta-commentary. Processor one runs normal, everyday existence and thought, while processor two runs narration and asks questions. I consciously tried to teach my brain to be Socratic -  ask and answer questions, and puzzle things out* -  which also makes me seem smart. It creates the problem that processor two is constantly throwing ERRs, mostly in the form of "WHY?" That causes processor one, running regular function,  to shut down while it tries to escape the loop that "I don't know" creates.*

The other main problem is that processor two is easily bored. It really likes solving problems and chewing on issues, and when there's nothing to chew on, it chews on me. It finds all the things I'm doing "wrong" and calls them out, along with all the things I "should" be doing or thinking about. At the same time, processor one is trying to reason with it and convince it to step back, relax, just do the things I need to do, while reminding it that I am okay, alive, and breathing.  Therapy has helped redirect these self-sustaining, energy-sucking loops, but not as much as I would have hoped.   

These dual processors, along with a massive and active RAM, allow me to seem smart.

The flip side of seeming smart is clinically diagnosed moderate-to-high anxiety and mild-to-moderate depression.* The only thing that I've found to shut my brain up when it's not in processor power-intensive use is other people's voices, usually telling stories, most often in the form of audiobooks, podcasts, and TV shows. There's a kind of mid-baritone range voice that works extremely well (e.g. CGP Grey, Roman Mars, Cecil Baldwin, James Marsters). I've tried medication - rather than mitigating processor two (the meta-processor), it either slightly slows it down, robbing me of my edge, or slows down processor one (the one that gets things done and talks me off the cliff), when it has any effect at all. My doctors say it helps, so I've reluctantly kept at it.

I'm reluctant to let go because, without my brain, I don't know who I am. I like the weird quirks it has when its not being self destructive. My brain is hungry, curious, sticky, observant, and vastly more complicated than it used to be, which are not all bad things. When the bugs don't crash the system, they're fantastic features that let me solve problems creatively and quickly. 

I still have to find the right user's manual to make it all run nicely together. I doubt I ever will.

How I'm expected to network and interface with other systems when I haven't figured out how to operate my own, I'll never know.



*This was largely inspired by Sherlock Holmes and a Dan Brown book where one of the characters describes a "Buddhist" precept that everyone already knows everything, they just need to ask the right questions. I'm not sure if that's real or not, but it's an interesting idea that's stuck with me way longer than it had any right to.

*Therapy has helped some with breaking these loops.

*Although, if you really want to get into it, I check off a lot of boxes for ADD, OCD, general  paranoia, bipolar disorder, and even (if you stretch the checklists in the DSM5 a little) schizophrenia, psychopathy, and autism. I think I'll stick with my current diagnosis as it's one of a few you can even attempt to do anything about. Psychiatry is still really murky, but we do the best with what we got.