Me, Interrupted

This is to answer the dreaded twin questions:

What have you been doing?
and
WTF is wrong with you?

The shortest answer: everything and nothing, all at once.

The long answer:

I guess I had a more difficult time adjusting to college life than I realized or let on. I started having mean/bad/strange intrusive thoughts near the end of my freshman year. Most prominent among those was that "I need to disappear," which, in and of itself is something every socially awkward person thinks every once in a while, but when it's a weekly, daily, hourly occurrence, you know something is wrong.

So I did disappear - I went to Florida and had my Disney World adventure, where I had everything that I thought I wanted - a solid friend group who liked me, a great job, my own money, an escape from the real world, decent roommates, an apartment I paid for, etc., and during that time, I subconsciously tried to cut myself off from the last noticeable vestige of imperfection in my life - my family. I had stopped returning their calls, so they shut off my phone - the last little bit of easy control they had over me. I used WiFi instead, and since everyone I cared about used email, messenger, and groupme, it wasn't too much of a hardship.

After that, I went back to school, spent the summer in a pothead house (I didn't smoke), and when I wasn't in class, I hunkered down in the library until dark, bingeing Smallville and Vlogbrothers and occasionally actually doing homework, alone, hot, bored, tired. I did okay over the summer, but I hated it. To try and break the monotony, I joined Tinder and went on a few dates, none of which led to anything substantial. Despite constantly slugging water, eating semi-healthy, and getting plenty of exercise, and being in regular communication with some people, I felt like crap. At least the dog liked me. Some blogs talk about a "post-Disney depression", so I chalked it up to that and having to wear jeans in 110 degree heat for a shop class.

Then came Senior year, where my slowly downward sloping trajectory took a turn for the exponential. I stopped going to the classes I found boring, then I stopped going to the classes that were in the morning, then I stopped going to Rube, then I stopped going to classes at all - except for my dance classes, and I didn't finish any of the written work they required, making that the one class I didn't fail my last semester. Then I stopped participating in my senior project. And that was it. I still maintained a facade of normalcy - I still had my Wednesday night group, and when people asked me to do fun stuff with them, I did. I was passably sociable, and BSed about "being busy" and "everything's getting so tough" and "I don't know what I'm doing" - I just repeated what everyone else said, and no one was any the wiser.

I tried to get out of the house at least once every day - I did a lot of walking, explored Fourth Ave, went to all the libraries a lot. I actually was on campus most days - I still had a meal plan to work off. I had a quiet corner in the main library with a power socket, comfy chair, and table all to myself that I jealously guarded. At the same time, there were days when I hid in my room and stayed really quiet, hoping that my roommate, whose classes started later than mine, wouldn't notice that I hadn't yet left the house. I left the door closed at night and when I wasn't there so that the cats wouldn't wander in, so it looked the same either way. I went hungry some days because she had most of her classes in the afternoon and didn't leave until well after lunch. I did start going to counselling after a late night anxiety attack, but although the lady was nice, I didn't feel like it helped much.

I got almost literally dragged home by my parents for my little sister's Confirmation, and have been stuck at home since. I still haven't completely unpacked, and a lot of my stuff is still gathering dust in the garage. I took a community college class over the summer, and got a job. I got a C.

I went to see a doctor, who said that I was completely physically healthy. No help there. I went to a psychiatrist, who told me that I had suffered a major depressive episode. That sounded about right. Then, horror upon horrors, she ordered a blood test. After nearly passing out, the results came in. Slight anemia, nothing physical to worry about. So it really was all in my head.

I'm now taking community college courses, getting therapy, and taking meds.

The next logical question:

Am I doing better?

Honestly, at the moment, not really. I'm going to class, and talking to people, and keeping up appearances, but my head's still feeling pretty crowded and confused and scared and I still seem stuck in my own little bubble. I was running along the road more traveled, took a left turn to avoid monotony, ran into a wall, fell almost all the way off the path, and got stuck in a ditch, which, despite some effort, I seem to be digging myself deeper into. I'm trying to blindly feel my way to the train tracks so that I have a minute chance of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. No luck yet. I haven't even figured out if my eyes are open. Telling myself to quit feeling so out of it hasn't worked yet.

So yeah, that's what's going on with me, and WTF is wrong with me. I'll probably expound a bit more later, but that's the overview.

TL;DR: Apparently, I'm depressed. No, I'm not suicidal. And yeah, it sucks. And yes, I screwed up. And no, I'm not sure what to do about it.

So, yeah. That's it for now.