My brain is different than most people's brains.
It probably looks like the same double-fist sized lump of energized chemical-filled meat that most humans have. However, there are a few differences between my brain and other people's brains. Some of these differences I consciously induced, while others just kinda happened. I'm not trying to brag, or say that I am better than anyone else, but stating some things that I have observed.
For example, it feels like a lot of the time, my brain is running on a dual processor while other people are running on a single processor. This allows me, for instance, to answer a question in class a split second before everyone else because my brain processes the question and the answer simultaneously, while the rest of the class processes the question and answer sequentially. I think it leads to my wit and quick responses in conversations I am engaged in or have prepared for, and makes me seem a lot smarter.
When not otherwise engaged, running a dual processor brain allows for constant meta-commentary. Processor one runs normal, everyday existence and thought, while processor two runs narration and asks questions. I consciously tried to teach my brain to be Socratic - ask and answer questions, and puzzle things out* - which also makes me seem smart. It creates the problem that processor two is constantly throwing ERRs, mostly in the form of "WHY?" That causes processor one, running regular function, to shut down while it tries to escape the loop that "I don't know" creates.*
The other main problem is that processor two is easily bored. It really likes solving problems and chewing on issues, and when there's nothing to chew on, it chews on me. It finds all the things I'm doing "wrong" and calls them out, along with all the things I "should" be doing or thinking about. At the same time, processor one is trying to reason with it and convince it to step back, relax, just do the things I need to do, while reminding it that I am okay, alive, and breathing. Therapy has helped redirect these self-sustaining, energy-sucking loops, but not as much as I would have hoped.
These dual processors, along with a massive and active RAM, allow me to seem smart.
The flip side of seeming smart is clinically diagnosed moderate-to-high anxiety and mild-to-moderate depression.* The only thing that I've found to shut my brain up when it's not in processor power-intensive use is other people's voices, usually telling stories, most often in the form of audiobooks, podcasts, and TV shows. There's a kind of mid-baritone range voice that works extremely well (e.g. CGP Grey, Roman Mars, Cecil Baldwin, James Marsters). I've tried medication - rather than mitigating processor two (the meta-processor), it either slightly slows it down, robbing me of my edge, or slows down processor one (the one that gets things done and talks me off the cliff), when it has any effect at all. My doctors say it helps, so I've reluctantly kept at it.
I'm reluctant to let go because, without my brain, I don't know who I am. I like the weird quirks it has when its not being self destructive. My brain is hungry, curious, sticky, observant, and vastly more complicated than it used to be, which are not all bad things. When the bugs don't crash the system, they're fantastic features that let me solve problems creatively and quickly.
I still have to find the right user's manual to make it all run nicely together. I doubt I ever will.
How I'm expected to network and interface with other systems when I haven't figured out how to operate my own, I'll never know.
*This was largely inspired by Sherlock Holmes and a Dan Brown book where one of the characters describes a "Buddhist" precept that everyone already knows everything, they just need to ask the right questions. I'm not sure if that's real or not, but it's an interesting idea that's stuck with me way longer than it had any right to.
*Therapy has helped some with breaking these loops.
*Although, if you really want to get into it, I check off a lot of boxes for ADD, OCD, general paranoia, bipolar disorder, and even (if you stretch the checklists in the DSM5 a little) schizophrenia, psychopathy, and autism. I think I'll stick with my current diagnosis as it's one of a few you can even attempt to do anything about. Psychiatry is still really murky, but we do the best with what we got.
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Sunday, January 20, 2019
Random Thoughts...
On my current status: I just finished up my internship with Imagineering and have gone strait back to school - I'm now at Northern Arizona University.
On finishing up at Imagineering: I left roughly six months short of the opening of the project, which is kind of a bummer. People really really like me there - I'm seen as a hard worker who is smart and observant, occasionally acerbic and witty. I was part of a system there, and I think they are going to miss me. While I might not have been 100% "necessary", I did a lot of cleaning up around the edges and catching little things falling through cracks. I will miss my coworkers, and they will remember me, so... mission accomplished, I guess.
On Flagstaff: The second day I was in Flagstaff, it snowed. People always comment on the weather, and while, yes, mountainous highland is definitely different than southern desert in Tucson, the culture is so much different. The one word that I could use to describe Flagstaff: CRUNCHY. You can pick your definition and it still applies - plenty of hippies of various shades, literal snowpack on the ground, backpacker treehuggers, plenty of granola - it's all here.
On not being in Tucson: One thing I noticed in Flagstaff as opposed to Tucson (other than the lack of dust, the sandstone aesthetic, actual trees, etc.) is that there are way fewer beautiful people here. The University of Arizona prides itself and indirectly markets itself on its hot dudes and coeds - everyone (except for the mandatory diversity "student") has perfect curls, defined muscles, and a "natural" tan. In reality, there are also an abundance of people who look really good. Tucson is a really self-conscious town that is obsessed with trying to prove that its not just a place with a good looking basketball team - everywhere else the cameras see is overly pretty as well. It's so nice to be in a place where everyone's hair is messed up and lazy hoodies are the norm.
On Construction Management: I lucked into a great program. It's really hands on, and is more concerned with the bigger picture of how things work together than the nitty gritty of whether a one-inch section of a steel beam will fail. (I know it's all important, I just can't bring myself to care). Sustainability and Lean are huge focuses, which is lucky because I'm interested in that too. I'm just surprised at how much I already know. Everyone in the program seems really close knit (which is fine, I'm fine, it's all fine). There's a lot of challenge and a lot of learning opportunity to look forward to.
On snow: As long as it's not precipitating, snow is fun. Every step feels like crunching through some particularly resistant fall leaves. Creating a snowball feels like sculpting beauty from chaos (or at least an ugly sphere from some white stuff). It's cold, but it's not unbearable, and I can't complain too much yet.
On finishing up at Imagineering: I left roughly six months short of the opening of the project, which is kind of a bummer. People really really like me there - I'm seen as a hard worker who is smart and observant, occasionally acerbic and witty. I was part of a system there, and I think they are going to miss me. While I might not have been 100% "necessary", I did a lot of cleaning up around the edges and catching little things falling through cracks. I will miss my coworkers, and they will remember me, so... mission accomplished, I guess.
On Flagstaff: The second day I was in Flagstaff, it snowed. People always comment on the weather, and while, yes, mountainous highland is definitely different than southern desert in Tucson, the culture is so much different. The one word that I could use to describe Flagstaff: CRUNCHY. You can pick your definition and it still applies - plenty of hippies of various shades, literal snowpack on the ground, backpacker treehuggers, plenty of granola - it's all here.
On not being in Tucson: One thing I noticed in Flagstaff as opposed to Tucson (other than the lack of dust, the sandstone aesthetic, actual trees, etc.) is that there are way fewer beautiful people here. The University of Arizona prides itself and indirectly markets itself on its hot dudes and coeds - everyone (except for the mandatory diversity "student") has perfect curls, defined muscles, and a "natural" tan. In reality, there are also an abundance of people who look really good. Tucson is a really self-conscious town that is obsessed with trying to prove that its not just a place with a good looking basketball team - everywhere else the cameras see is overly pretty as well. It's so nice to be in a place where everyone's hair is messed up and lazy hoodies are the norm.
On Construction Management: I lucked into a great program. It's really hands on, and is more concerned with the bigger picture of how things work together than the nitty gritty of whether a one-inch section of a steel beam will fail. (I know it's all important, I just can't bring myself to care). Sustainability and Lean are huge focuses, which is lucky because I'm interested in that too. I'm just surprised at how much I already know. Everyone in the program seems really close knit (which is fine, I'm fine, it's all fine). There's a lot of challenge and a lot of learning opportunity to look forward to.
On snow: As long as it's not precipitating, snow is fun. Every step feels like crunching through some particularly resistant fall leaves. Creating a snowball feels like sculpting beauty from chaos (or at least an ugly sphere from some white stuff). It's cold, but it's not unbearable, and I can't complain too much yet.
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